The Birds, the Bees, Horses, and MTV

It finally happened. The thing I've been dreading since I gave birth. THE TALK. I haven't actually avoided it. I just dodged it a little. Keeping my girl in reproduction ignorance has officially ended thanks to horses and MTV.

For the past month, I've been driving Audrey to meet with her 4-H pals so they could study for horsebowl together. If you're a normal human being, you have no idea what the hell horsebowl is. I think of life pre-horsebowl the same way I think of life pre-THE TALK-blissful ignorance.

Horsebowl is some crazy competition that focus on horse trivia, teams, buzzers, and hundreds of pages of question on everything from horse colors to horse reproduction.

Last week, after a study session on horse characteristics (describe eohippus), I was giving Audrey's friend a ride home. This particular friend is about a year and a half older than my girl plus she has an older teenage sister.

It was fun listening to them talk back-and-forth in the backseat about everything horses. A couple miles later Audrey changes the subject to TV. "What do you like to watch?", she asks her friend. I'm expecting Saddle Club, Spongebob, iCarly. But NOOO. She says, "Teen Moms" (thanks Mtv). Um, what????!! I had never heard of that show. I quickly change the subject to some "safe" topic. This goes on for a while and then from her friend, "You know, I was listening to a radio show and a nurse called in and said the youngest patient she ever had that had a baby was nine years old." Again, "What????!!"

Audrey (in all of her, I've been nine not even a full week, ignorance) says, "Why would a nine year old take a pill and get pregnant?" Yes, again, "What??". Her friend looks completely confused by Audrey's comment. I do too. I employ another, quick change the subject immediately technique! that I had been creating for the past five minutes. We manage to drop her friend off and then the ride home begins along with a whole bunch of questions that I would not be answering.

A day or two later, with pages of horse reproduction questions piled on my lap, I decide to just go for it. I was going to go buy the latest greatest book on how to talk about sex with your children. I googled ideas on how to approach the subject. I doubted my ability to handle this correctly. What should I say? Somebody tell me what to do, what to say, how to answer questions correctly, and help me to just say enough-don't give too much information, don't confuse her...

Then, I just did it. No real planning. I had plenty of panicking, but no idea on exactly what to say or how to say it. I decided to wing it-have a conversation with my daughter and answer questions. That's it. I kept it simple, and it was. Until...

Audrey "Where does that happen?"

Me "That? You mean where do people go to make a baby?"

Audrey "Yes"

Me "Um, well, usually a...bed."

LONG PAUSE

Me "Where did you think THAT happened?"

Audrey "Well, in a hospital of course."

Me-look away so I don't burst out laughing.

She goes on to ask if some people get married and choose not to do THAT. I say I guess that it is possible. She says she is going to be one of those people. Sex is: gross and icky and something she never wants to do.

That was about it. I forgot to say all sorts of things like call sex intercourse. I didn't really bring in marriage, religion, or any of the other important things I probably should have mentioned. Oh well. I knew I would screw this important talk up somehow.

A few days later she asks, "Mom, do you have to do THAT everytime you want to have a baby?" "Yep", I say. Silence.

While my daughter and I managed to make it through an awkward conversation about one of life's most basic functions, her daddy had very different ideas on the matter. I call him while he's at work and tell him I told her. She knows. Done. His reaction? "What? I thought we were going to talk about this first-before you told her." I explain that I thought we had already talked about it. He says, "NO! We didn't. You shouldn't have told her. You should just tell her it's magic! IT-IS-MAGIC,-KIM!"

I laugh quite a bit-this time outloud. He is a little freaked. I tell him everything is okay and it is perfectly normal to have this conversation with our daughter at her age. I was six when I asked my mom how it all happened. He is floored. I guess boys are different than girls. I know only girls as I am one and only have a sister and daughters.

I am quite relieved to have this "secret" out in the open. I always wished we just lived on a farm and my children would grow up knowing this very elemental function of life. Why couldn't she have learned about reproduction from barn cats? I knew I wouldn't be so lucky. She learned from me and we both survived. I still dread those bonus questions she throws at me though.